Drink deeply

Being home has been quite a difficult adjustment for me this time. It is crazy how much things can change in just 5 short months. From living with my dad again(after being on my own for most of the last 4 years) to fitting into people's lives here, it has been hard to find my place. Coming home and trying to find where I fit in the community of Off the Wall has been a struggle as some of them are my closest friends, but others I am just meeting. Not having a "normal" job and trying to set my own schedule has been a difficult adjustment here as well. And then there are all the decisions that come with being engaged.
All these things have been overwhelming me for the past month and have been harder than I thought. I am finding myself extra emotional and sometimes just not sure what to do with myself. I have plenty of things to do as I plan my wedding and read the long list of books I received at SOM, as well as the many other things of life, yet I am just not sure what to do with myself at times.
I have been feeling so dead in my walk with God and finding it hard to focus on Him, even when I spend time with Him. But this morning a peace came as I was spending time with my Savior. That this time right now is a break from the craziness of life, a time to refocus. The words "drink deeply" came to mind this morning. So this time that has been hard and far from normal, is not a time for boredom or laziness, but rather a time where I can once more learn more of how to grow intimately with my Lord. A time to pray and read and study and worship the One who gives me life and gives me so many opportunities for great(and sometimes small) things. And I want nothing more than for my life to point to Him and bring Him glory. I greatly need this time of drinking deeply of His love and renewing my mind and life in Him.

Do not worry

So lately I feel like God has really been teaching me about not worrying. I feel like this is a lesson I continue to need to learn and often forget but lately it has been everywhere I look.

A book I read the other week defined worry as, " a disproportionate level of concern based on an inappropriate measure of fear." There is a difference between having legit concern and worry. Worry comes from a divided mind. We aren't focused on what God is doing and can do in the situation but rather on the danger or unrealistic fear we have of what is to come. This morning I was reading a little devo and it talked about worry as well. It talked about focusing on today and not worrying about tomorrow. One part of it said, "Most anxious thoughts are related to the future…For today you need wisdom. For tomorrow you need Faith." How often do I worry about tomorrow? And yet nothing good can come from that worrying. It only hurts. Us. Our relationship with God. And even our relationships with others at times. As well it can destroy our joy. 

So why do we continue to worry? As I was reading a book, the author gave an interesting answer to this. It is because it makes us feel in control. We convince ourselves that by worrying we can keep from harm and therefore have control. But Jesus continually asks us to give him control and surrender those worries to him. When we trust God, we focus on His kingdom and his abundant resources, but when we live in worry we put ourselves on the throne and live for ourselves. "Seeking the Kingdom first means facing our trials and troubles not with anxiety but with trust that God can and will work through them." Not worrying doesn't mean that we aren't going to have struggles in this life. But rather that we know our Father has us in His hand and will use those things for His glory. When we recognize that our identity is in Christ, and not ourselves, those worries become less important and we are more focused on the truth of the Kingdom.

"How much of our prayer life is spent anxious? Spent trying to figure things out ourselves?" Someone challenged me with this last week. I was challenged to instead just sit with God about the things that make me worry or anxious, not trying to change it. But just sitting with God and knowing that He is in control.  Psalm 46:10

Matt. 6:25-34

Which Covenant are you living under?

About a month or so ago, we had a class on Basic Bible Doctrines. At first I wasn't really looking forward to this class because the title made me think that it was going to be all stuff that I knew and so be boring. Well I think that it was actually my favorite class we have had here. I learned so much through it. In the class, we had an assignment to write a paper on 3 things we learned from the book The Two Covenants by A. Murray. Basically I am just going to share the paper and maybe change or add a few things :)

        Before reading this book, I thought I had a basic understanding of the two Covenants in the bible and a general idea of the difference between them. But through this, I have realized that I had only scratched the surface of all that is in this great work of God. Before reading I had thought that the main importance and difference between the Old Covenant and the New Covenant was that one was based on works and the other was based on God’s work of grace. I knew that the Old Covenant was important, but I didn't fully understand why. The main things that I have really learned are that there is so much difference between the Covenants, that in reality they are nothing alike. As well that obedience is a part of both, it just looks different in how it comes. The final thing is the important truth that it is all a complete work of God and not of my own.
       Though my knowledge of the difference between the Covenants was fairly accurate, it was incomplete as well. One of the major differences is that the Old Covenant is by our works and the New Covenant is through faith that God can do the work in us. There are many truths from the Word that talk about the New Covenant and the freedom that comes from living in it, as opposed to living in the Old Covenant. The Old Covenant is a vital part of the story though. It reveals to us that we are completely unable to live a life of obedience alone and are in great need of God to do it for us. One of the things that stuck out to me in the book was the statement, “true worship of God---a heart and life entirely dependent upon Him,” and how the Old Covenant completely missed this. It was done out of human effort and striving, and did not look to God to do this. Through all of this, I have come to realize that I think I live under the Old Covenant many times. I think I have been living in bondage to the law, working and striving in my own self effort to please God. But I am coming to realize that this only hinders the faith that God can do this for me and is faithful to do it. Another line that stuck out to me was that, “That spirit may be found amidst very great zeal for God's service, and very earnest prayer for His grace; it does not enjoy the rest of faith, and cannot overcome sin, because it does not stand in the liberty with which Christ has made us free, and does not know that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” I felt like it was a clear picture of my life. I want to serve God and I pray for His work in my life, but continue to fall backwards because I am not trusting in the freedom that is found in the New Covenant.
       This leads to the next thing that I have learned from this. Though it may not look the same in the New Covenant, as it does in the Old Covenant, it is still an essential piece to what God is calling us to be. And at the root of why we cannot live a life of obedience in the New Covenant is the unbelief in our hearts. Though the New Covenant is through faith, it is not a substitute for our obedience. Rather our faith ensures our obedience by knowing in our heart the joy and power that come from it, through the Holy Spirit. At the root of our disobedience is the unbelief that God can do it in us and for us. We must surrender our hearts to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to do His work in us, through the power that only comes from Him. One thing that stuck out to me was that obedience is essential, possible, of faith, and a blessing. Many times through my own effort, I try to obey the things that God’s word commands us to do. Sometimes it lasts for a little while, but eventually the striving becomes too much and too difficult and I fail. And I am learning that this obedience is not of my own effort, but rather it is from God. The truth is that we are commanded to obey, but we cannot do it in and of ourselves. We must through faith, walk in this obedience. An example that the book used was that just as the laws of the Old Covenant were written on the stone tablets, making them a lasting document. But through the New Covenant, the Holy Spirit writes the law on our hearts. And after written, we are “unchangeably identified with it.” As the law written on stone was permanent, so is it with our heart, making a life of obedience something desired.
       The other thing that I have really learned from this has been the fact that it is a work of God alone, and not of my own doing. It is by His power that I can obey what He has commanded. The example of the covenant God made with Abraham is a beautiful picture of this to me. Through it God showed that he would not only remain faithful to the covenant, but by doing the work for Abraham in the covenant ceremony, he showed that he would also fulfill Abraham’s part in the covenant. He has secured the obedience needed by being faithful not only for himself, but faithful for us as well. He is unchangeably faithful in his covenant and through the Holy Spirit makes us the same. So often I try to be faithful and do the work of being obedient. But this has shown me that God had already done the work and makes my heart right with him on his own. I need only to believe that he can do it. Through the New Covenant we must look to God alone for strength and teaching, and believe that he is going to provide for our every need in this. I cannot do it on my own. I need to rely on him.
       Through this book and study on the Two Covenants, I have really learned of my utter dependence and need for God alone to do the work of the New Covenant in me. My prayer has become that He would help me to believe what he promises in the New Covenant and to leave my life of striving under the Old Covenant. I know that He alone can do this work and that He is faithful to see it through. I can rest assured that God will change my heart and conform it to be more like Christ through his Holy Spirit. I can rest in the fact that He is the one that brings me to obedience and the joy that can be in that.

Even though I wrote this over a month ago, it continues to challenge me. I share it in hopes that it can encourage and challenge others as well. Sorry it is so long, but as I said before, it was a paper for class.

contentment

Recently God has been changing a lot in my life and flipping my world upside down. I thought I had plans; I tried making plans but He has just been really showing me that He is in control and that He is going to be guiding me in my steps.
"The heart of man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9
For over a year and a half I have been planning to go to Guatemala in the middle of this coming January. But God has been changing those plans. It makes me feel absolutely crazy to think about not going to Guatemala right now because its what I have been working towards for so long now, but I trust that Jesus is leading me and he will take me to Guatemala, it will just be in his timing, not mine. I have so much peace about going home and marrying the man I love. Even though it freaks me out at times because I don't know how to be a wife and this was totally not my plan right now, I know that God's hand is on it and He will use it for His glory. How much greater to be able to go to the place I love with the man I love and work together to serve Jesus and love these kids in the way he has called us. God has truly blessed me by putting Shaun in my life and I am so grateful that we will be able to serve together and have this journey together.
So now with that God has been teaching me contentment as well. "...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." Phil. 4:11 Many times it is really easy for me to wish I was in the next thing already. And then once I have that, I wish for the next thing. Being here in San Juan, TX is not exactly tons of fun. I love my church and the people I have met, but this is just not my favorite place. Yet the Lord has called me here for a time and I shouldn't wish that time away. I want to get the most of it and learn what He has for me here. I don't want to rush it away to do the next thing. I should be living for the now and in today. I want to learn contentment in where I am, no matter what Jesus has me doing for that time.

Am I adequate?

A few weeks ago I was thinking about what it is that I am about to do. As well sometimes it just crosses my mind that I am now considered a "missionary", which feel like huge shoes to fill for my little feet. I interact with seasoned missionaries and its so hard to think that I am getting this title with them. I just don't feel adequate for it in the slightest. And sometimes its so overwhelming that I kinda freak out and begin thinking that I can't do this. It feels like too much, too big a task for me. But one night, a few weeks ago, as I was praying about this and just telling God that I couldn't do it, that it was just too much. But then I heard him whisper in my heart, "I didn't ask you to be adequate, but to be willing." It just reminded me that Jesus isn't going to leave me to do these things alone or even in my own strength. But rather in His strength. In 2 Cor. 12:9 Paul talks about how Christ's power is made perfect in us through our weaknesses. It is in my weaknesses that Christ is most glorified. He will give what we need. Like Isaiah in Isaiah 6:8 we must only have the attitude of "Here I am. Send me!"  That is what I want for my life. I don't want to choose to do things just because I think I will be good at them. Rather I want to go where it is that God leads me and trust that He will give me the strength and the power to do those things. 

Last week I got to watch an old movie about Gladys Aylward (the movie was called the Inn of the Sixth Happiness) who was a missionary in China in the early 1900s. Her story was so encouraging. She was denied by mission organizations because they didn't think she would be good in China. So she worked and saved money to just go alone because she knew God was calling her. She ended up doing great things there and God really used her. I was just so encouraged to hear her story and how God uses the ones the world pretty much considers losers.

1 Cor. 1:26-31

Mexico

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to go with a missionary family across the border into Mexico to celebrate a little church's 9th anniversary with them. As we crossed the border, Colleen and I immediately felt like we were in Guatemala. The roads, the buildings, the people. Everything reminded us of the place that has captured our hearts. We went from the highway to little dirt roads, full of bumps and potholes, and finally arrived at the church. As I looked down this dirt road littered with trash, with little tattered houses and buildings, painted bright and vibrant colors, my heart was at rest. Though most would probably just see the trash and dirt. I saw beauty. I know that these places are filled with tragedy and poverty, but they are also filled with people with beautiful hearts. Maybe its not the "prettiest" place or the safest place. But Jesus was definitely there and at work in the hearts of those people. The people of that culture have just completely taken my heart and I love them so much. They might not have nice things, but they are so filled with joy. Being with them was so refreshing. Speaking Spanish and getting to know these lovely people was a great reminder of what I am working towards. It gets hard sometimes to remember what we are working towards in this school, but that night was a refreshing night that reminded me.
The evening was wonderful. We sang worship songs, prayed, listened to multiple people share, then had a sermon. It was long(and slightly draining trying to remember all my Spanish!) but I loved it. The guitar sounded like it had never been tuned, but it didn't really matter because the people would have been singing off key from it anyways. And though it makes me cringe at times to hear it, I remember that they are joyfully singing to our Savior and He loves it so why should I judge it. Afterwards we then ate a wonderful little meal together. Chicken, rice, tortillas...the usual. :) It was a wonderful time of fellowship and we got to know a few of the people in the church. The pastor's family really stood out to me though. They were just such genuine people and I loved getting to know them. I hope to go back and visit them sometime.
And finally the time came to leave. As we were driving back and returning home, it felt surreal. That we could get in our car and drive for 15 minutes and be in a whole different place. It felt like a different world. Yet the only thing that separates us is a little river and some fences. It just felt so crazy. I'm really grateful for the opportunity to go there and be reminded of what I'm working towards.

sent by 2

In Luke 10, Jesus sends out his disciples two by two to all the towns to do his work. We studied this passage one day in one of our classes as a little bible study. One of the things that really stuck out to me as we looked at the passage was the fact that Jesus sent them out by two. I have probably read this story a million times and never really noticed this before, but that day it really stuck out to me.
As i began this journey to return to Guatemala to work at NLCH, I thought it was going to be something I did alone(though not completely alone, I knew Jesus would be with me). This made me a little nervous, but I knew that God would supply what I would need to do it. As I continued on in working towards this school and fundraising for Guatemala, I met a girl(Colleen) through facebook who was also wanting to go back to the Children's Home after her internship last fall. We began to call each other and get to know each other a little bit as we both prepared for SOM, where we currently are studying. At the time I thought it would be nice to have a friend to do this with and I was excited to really meet her and get to know her. But after being here for a couple months now, I have found that she has been foundational to my ministry and being at this school. Without her, I'm not sure what I would have done. Jesus definitely knew what he was doing when he planned for us to do this together.
And as we dream together and plan for our ministry in Guatemala with the kids, its crazy how God just continues to use us together. Our goals and visions seem to line up and complete each others. It is something that we probably couldn't do alone, but together I think God is going to use us to really impact the kids.
I am so thankful that God has called us to do this thing together.  He knew exactly what he was doing when he planned for us both to come at this exact time. He calls us out by two. To encourage each other and partner together to really impact his kingdom. I am so thankful for Colleen and excited for what God is going to use us to do together. :)

Faithful in the little

One thing I really think I have been learning in my time here is to be faithful even in the little things. Monday through Thursday for two hours in the afternoon we do "chores" to help out here on the NLAI San Juan property. These times include anything from cleaning to weeding. Some days as we do our tasks though we can't help but wonder what it is really for. Some days it doesn't seem to be productive but rather just busy work and its hard to keep a good attitude in those moments. This week every day seemed to be just that. The worst was probably the day I has to sweep the outside sidewalks in 104 degree windy weather. But please don't think I am complaining. Though it was frustrating and hard, I also was alone the whole time, resulting in time with Jesus. This was a beautiful time of thinking and prayer and I actually really needed it no matter how much I didn't enjoy the work itself. As well this week I have been reminded of some verses. The first comes out of Luke 16:10 and it says, "one who is faithful in very little will also be faithful in much..." this verse has been my encouragement this week. I am trying to remember that it is those small moments of faithfulness that will bring us greater opportunities to show faithfulness. Though sweeping the sidewalks on a windy day or raking grass on a scorching hot day seem pointless and not productive to me, I know that it is also a blessing to the couple who take care of the property and as well could be part of my preparation for the things God has ahead for me. 1 Peter 4:11 says, "...if anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." Although I don't necessarily need physical strength(some days I do!) to accomplish the work set before me, many days I need strength to keep a good attitude and a servant's heart. I know that God has me here in this school for a reason and though it isn't always pleasant, it is ALL to prepare me for things to come. Ephesians 2:10 talks about how we are created in Christ to do good works that he prepared in advance for us to do. And I think a part of him preparing those things is him preparing us to be able to accomplish them. Though these things seem small now, they may be foundational to what is to come. That is what I am trying to remember and continually remind myself. Please pray that I can have a good attitude in these things and be a servant in them.

the Good Shepherd

For one of my classes here this week, I had to write a paper on something I learned from the book of John. One of our classes has been on the book, so we went through it together and were studying it. This was what really stuck out to me and I figured since I already had it written, I would share it on here as well!

The passage that has been sticking out to me has been that of John 10. I have always loved this passage and recently have been reading Psalm 23 a lot. Both refer to our Shepherd and together form a beautiful picture of who the Good Shepherd is. By looking at the two together, we see a fuller picture of Jesus' character and what he means when he says that he is the Good Shepherd.

One of the biggest things that sticks out to me as I look at these passages is that we have a personal relationship as sheep do with their shepherd. In the first line of Psalm 23 it says, "The Lord is my shepherd…" It doesn’t just say that he is a shepherd, but that he is MY shepherd, showing a personal relationship. In the passage in John 10, we see that Jesus says that his sheep listen to his voice and know his voice, because he is their shepherd and so they follow him, knowing he is their shepherd. F.F. Bruce says, “More flocks than one might be accommodated in the same enclosure; but all that was necessary was for the shepherd to stand at the entrance and call; his own sheep would recognize his voice and come to him…”  In our personal relationship with Jesus we must know his voice and listen for his voice. We cannot follow the voices we hear around us in the world. We must come to know our Shepherd's voice and listen to it. We must be like the sheep in verse 5, "they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."  We must listen to the voice of the true Shepherd and let all others become as a stranger's voice. We each have an individual bond with Jesus, just as sheep with their shepherd. They know their shepherd and he knows them each uniquely, as Jesus points out in verse 14.

Psalm 23 also says, “I shall not be in want…” We find our full satisfaction in Him. We trust that as our Good Shepherd, he will give us all that we need. Verse 2 says, “He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters.” This is saying that he knows our needs and when we are hungry or thirsty, we can trust him to provide those things. In John 4 Jesus also talks about the living water and in chapter 6, the bread of life. Not only will Jesus provide the things we need physically, but even greater than this, he will provide our eternal needs and satisfy our souls.

In verse 3, we see that our Shepherd will guide us in the way we need to go. John 10:4 talks about Jesus going out before us so we have a path to follow. An interesting thing that I learned is that, while cattle can be pushed, sheep prefer to be led. They will not react to someone yelling and pushing them in the direction they are to go. Instead, they need to be led. They will follow where their shepherd takes them, trusting he knows what is best for them. They have nothing to fear, knowing their shepherd is with them, guiding and protecting them with his rod and staff(Psalm 23:4), and knowing he would lay his own life down on their behalf(John 10:11).

In John 10:10, we see that Jesus says he has come, “that they may have life, and have it to the full.” He gives what we need to have abundant life. F.F. Bruce says, “The ‘good’ shepherd shows himself to be a good shepherd because the welfare of the sheep, not his own, is his primary care.” In Psalm 23:5, David says, “…you anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.” showing the provision of the Shepherd. He does not come to steal anything from us or destroy our lives, but to give us life to the full.  I think the final verse of the Psalm sums up what this life to the full can look like when he says, “Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” True life won’t mean earthly blessings in our lives, but rather a life focused on the things of God. Not a life distracted by earthly pleasures, but a life filled with love, both for the Lord and those around us.

Prayer

As I begin this new journey back to Guatemala God has been teaching me so much already in our School of Missions(SOM). The past couple days we have been having a prayer retreat and it has really challenged my heart. Many times out lives are so busy and we can even busy them with things like ministry and then pray and ask God to bless our ministry. But what if, instead of just surrounding our ministries in prayer, our ministries flowed out of our prayers. Lives and hearts are changed as a result of our prayers, not our actions. Only God can truly change people and make our ministry effective. Our actions are the tools but God is the one working. And so our prayers are the most important part of our ministry. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this quite like I want to but hopefully this all makes sense.
I have really been challenged in my prayer life. If I want to help change lives, it starts with prayer. One thing that was said that I really liked was that there are 3 main parts to ministry: prayer, listening to others, and communication.
We also talked about how there are different ways to pray. The three main ones(that we talked about) are praying with others words, praying without words, and praying with our own words.
We can use the psalms or other scripture to pray, or even join in the thousands of brothers and sisters who join daily in fixed-hour prayer. This one was a little strange to me at first but after doing it a couple days I really like it. Joining with others at a set time to pray and refocus on God can be a powerful thing(if you want more info on this ask me).
Praying without words is something that I learned is extremely hard for me. I get so distracted as I sit and try to focus and I got frustrated. But we also had the story of a little boy who was with his father and he would sit with him for a couple minutes and then get distracted for a bit with toys or other things. But the father loved the moments that his son would stop playing with his toys, even for a minute, and turn his attention to his father and just sit with him. I don't know if I told the story exactly right but the point is that God loves when we take the time to sit with him, despite distractions or even if we fall asleep. This kind of prayer is something I really want to grow in. I want to sit at the King's feet and just listen. It is a discipline I need to learn. Another thing that I learned about it is that there will be times when we feel like we have wasted our time and it wasn't productive but those are the times we must work through and be faithful to continue doing it.
And finally we talked about praying and talking to God as a friend(John 15:5). Just sharing your heart with him and talking.
And to finish we asked 3 questions. Who do I want to be? How do I want to live? How do I want to live so that I can be who I want to be?
I want my life to be one where I am prayerful. I hope this encourages others to pray and be challenged in the things I have been challenged with the last couple days. :)
It excites me that it's only te first week and already God is teaching me so much. :)

Its amazing how much God can speak to you through a sunrise, or lack there of. Yesterday I got up early and decided that I was going to watch the sunrise with Jesus. But instead of a beautiful sunrise filling the sky with brilliant colors, it was a cold, cloudy morning. Though it wasn't absolutely beautiful and breath-taking, it was truly what I needed that morning. Sometimes we make plans and feel like they going to glorify God, and maybe those things could glorify him, but the question is whether or not it is the best way we can glorify him.
Today I was reading in a book I love and was really challenged and encouraged.

If I hold spiritual blessings or friendship for myself they will corrupt me, no matter how beautiful they are. I have to pour them out before the Lord, give them to Him in my mind, though it looks as if I am wasting them, even as David poured the water out on the sand, to be instantly sucked up.

-Elisabeth Elliot(Passion and Purity)(quoting Oswald Chambers)

Steadfastness, that is holding on;

patience, that is holding back;

expectancy, that is holding the face up;

obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;

listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear.

How long, Lord, must I wait?

Never mind, child. Trust me.

(same book)(quoting S.D. Gordon)

I have been trying to do things in my own timing recently, thinking I knew what was best. But God is really showing me that His ways are good and perfect and definitely don't need my assistance. I need only follow in obedience and trust Him as I go.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all of your ways acknowledge him

and he will direct your path.

Be not wise in your own eyes...

Proverbs 3:5-7

encourage

Lately God has been putting encouragement on my heart and really challenging me in it. "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today...." Heb. 3:13 I know that I am definitely not doing that but it is something I desire to do. I want to come to a place where I speak words of encouragement over others daily, not just sometimes.
Ephesians 4:29 talks about speaking encouraging words to others to build them up in the way that they need instead of putting them down. This means making a conscious effort to look for the ways people need encouragement that day and speaking that over them. The question we need to ask ourselves is, "Am I speaking words of life over people or words of death?" I tend to be sarcastic a lot and, though my friends know I'm kidding usually, it does not change that I am not building them up with the words I speak. I want to change this. I want to lift others up with my words. I know it will be very difficult to change but that's part of the reason I write.  By writing, I am giving each of you the permission to call me out in it and help me recognize the times my words are not lifting my brothers and sisters up.

Valentines Day

Days like today usually make me desire a relationship. I want to be considered lovely. I want to be desired. But right now I just want Jesus. I want to know him more intimately than before. He created me lovely and delights in me. He desires me so much that he went to the cross and bore my sins and conquered death. All so that I could spend an eternity with him.
I am redeemed.
I am chosen.
I am beautifully created.
I am the beloved of the Lord.
I have purpose.
My life, my heart, my everything rests in His hands. And there it will stay. I want to be completely satisfied in him alone. I don't want to be defined by the world or a man or whatever else satan tries to throw at me. My identity is in Jesus Christ alone.