contentment

Recently God has been changing a lot in my life and flipping my world upside down. I thought I had plans; I tried making plans but He has just been really showing me that He is in control and that He is going to be guiding me in my steps.
"The heart of man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9
For over a year and a half I have been planning to go to Guatemala in the middle of this coming January. But God has been changing those plans. It makes me feel absolutely crazy to think about not going to Guatemala right now because its what I have been working towards for so long now, but I trust that Jesus is leading me and he will take me to Guatemala, it will just be in his timing, not mine. I have so much peace about going home and marrying the man I love. Even though it freaks me out at times because I don't know how to be a wife and this was totally not my plan right now, I know that God's hand is on it and He will use it for His glory. How much greater to be able to go to the place I love with the man I love and work together to serve Jesus and love these kids in the way he has called us. God has truly blessed me by putting Shaun in my life and I am so grateful that we will be able to serve together and have this journey together.
So now with that God has been teaching me contentment as well. "...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." Phil. 4:11 Many times it is really easy for me to wish I was in the next thing already. And then once I have that, I wish for the next thing. Being here in San Juan, TX is not exactly tons of fun. I love my church and the people I have met, but this is just not my favorite place. Yet the Lord has called me here for a time and I shouldn't wish that time away. I want to get the most of it and learn what He has for me here. I don't want to rush it away to do the next thing. I should be living for the now and in today. I want to learn contentment in where I am, no matter what Jesus has me doing for that time.

Am I adequate?

A few weeks ago I was thinking about what it is that I am about to do. As well sometimes it just crosses my mind that I am now considered a "missionary", which feel like huge shoes to fill for my little feet. I interact with seasoned missionaries and its so hard to think that I am getting this title with them. I just don't feel adequate for it in the slightest. And sometimes its so overwhelming that I kinda freak out and begin thinking that I can't do this. It feels like too much, too big a task for me. But one night, a few weeks ago, as I was praying about this and just telling God that I couldn't do it, that it was just too much. But then I heard him whisper in my heart, "I didn't ask you to be adequate, but to be willing." It just reminded me that Jesus isn't going to leave me to do these things alone or even in my own strength. But rather in His strength. In 2 Cor. 12:9 Paul talks about how Christ's power is made perfect in us through our weaknesses. It is in my weaknesses that Christ is most glorified. He will give what we need. Like Isaiah in Isaiah 6:8 we must only have the attitude of "Here I am. Send me!"  That is what I want for my life. I don't want to choose to do things just because I think I will be good at them. Rather I want to go where it is that God leads me and trust that He will give me the strength and the power to do those things. 

Last week I got to watch an old movie about Gladys Aylward (the movie was called the Inn of the Sixth Happiness) who was a missionary in China in the early 1900s. Her story was so encouraging. She was denied by mission organizations because they didn't think she would be good in China. So she worked and saved money to just go alone because she knew God was calling her. She ended up doing great things there and God really used her. I was just so encouraged to hear her story and how God uses the ones the world pretty much considers losers.

1 Cor. 1:26-31

Mexico

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to go with a missionary family across the border into Mexico to celebrate a little church's 9th anniversary with them. As we crossed the border, Colleen and I immediately felt like we were in Guatemala. The roads, the buildings, the people. Everything reminded us of the place that has captured our hearts. We went from the highway to little dirt roads, full of bumps and potholes, and finally arrived at the church. As I looked down this dirt road littered with trash, with little tattered houses and buildings, painted bright and vibrant colors, my heart was at rest. Though most would probably just see the trash and dirt. I saw beauty. I know that these places are filled with tragedy and poverty, but they are also filled with people with beautiful hearts. Maybe its not the "prettiest" place or the safest place. But Jesus was definitely there and at work in the hearts of those people. The people of that culture have just completely taken my heart and I love them so much. They might not have nice things, but they are so filled with joy. Being with them was so refreshing. Speaking Spanish and getting to know these lovely people was a great reminder of what I am working towards. It gets hard sometimes to remember what we are working towards in this school, but that night was a refreshing night that reminded me.
The evening was wonderful. We sang worship songs, prayed, listened to multiple people share, then had a sermon. It was long(and slightly draining trying to remember all my Spanish!) but I loved it. The guitar sounded like it had never been tuned, but it didn't really matter because the people would have been singing off key from it anyways. And though it makes me cringe at times to hear it, I remember that they are joyfully singing to our Savior and He loves it so why should I judge it. Afterwards we then ate a wonderful little meal together. Chicken, rice, tortillas...the usual. :) It was a wonderful time of fellowship and we got to know a few of the people in the church. The pastor's family really stood out to me though. They were just such genuine people and I loved getting to know them. I hope to go back and visit them sometime.
And finally the time came to leave. As we were driving back and returning home, it felt surreal. That we could get in our car and drive for 15 minutes and be in a whole different place. It felt like a different world. Yet the only thing that separates us is a little river and some fences. It just felt so crazy. I'm really grateful for the opportunity to go there and be reminded of what I'm working towards.