Jesus is in the boat

Mark 4:35-41

I love this story. After a full day of teaching many parables and explaining many things to the disciples, Jesus has them go out on the boat. I'm sure he knew there was a storm coming and that it would be a rough journey, but he still had them cross. I love that he was sleeping in the boat while they were all freaking out about the storm. I love that he just tells the storm to stop and it of course listens.

I think a lot of times I am like the disciples. Even though Jesus is with me in this journey, when it gets hard I just want to ask him if he cares what happens. But He has the power to take the storms away. He isn't worried about the trivial things I worry about or fear. Sometimes I just really need to remember that Jesus is in the boat. He is in control. He knows what is coming and what will take place. I do not need to fear. He can calm any storm. He can quiet the waters. He can bring stillness and make things calm. I just need to have the faith that He will do so. 

Drink deeply

Being home has been quite a difficult adjustment for me this time. It is crazy how much things can change in just 5 short months. From living with my dad again(after being on my own for most of the last 4 years) to fitting into people's lives here, it has been hard to find my place. Coming home and trying to find where I fit in the community of Off the Wall has been a struggle as some of them are my closest friends, but others I am just meeting. Not having a "normal" job and trying to set my own schedule has been a difficult adjustment here as well. And then there are all the decisions that come with being engaged.
All these things have been overwhelming me for the past month and have been harder than I thought. I am finding myself extra emotional and sometimes just not sure what to do with myself. I have plenty of things to do as I plan my wedding and read the long list of books I received at SOM, as well as the many other things of life, yet I am just not sure what to do with myself at times.
I have been feeling so dead in my walk with God and finding it hard to focus on Him, even when I spend time with Him. But this morning a peace came as I was spending time with my Savior. That this time right now is a break from the craziness of life, a time to refocus. The words "drink deeply" came to mind this morning. So this time that has been hard and far from normal, is not a time for boredom or laziness, but rather a time where I can once more learn more of how to grow intimately with my Lord. A time to pray and read and study and worship the One who gives me life and gives me so many opportunities for great(and sometimes small) things. And I want nothing more than for my life to point to Him and bring Him glory. I greatly need this time of drinking deeply of His love and renewing my mind and life in Him.

Do not worry

So lately I feel like God has really been teaching me about not worrying. I feel like this is a lesson I continue to need to learn and often forget but lately it has been everywhere I look.

A book I read the other week defined worry as, " a disproportionate level of concern based on an inappropriate measure of fear." There is a difference between having legit concern and worry. Worry comes from a divided mind. We aren't focused on what God is doing and can do in the situation but rather on the danger or unrealistic fear we have of what is to come. This morning I was reading a little devo and it talked about worry as well. It talked about focusing on today and not worrying about tomorrow. One part of it said, "Most anxious thoughts are related to the future…For today you need wisdom. For tomorrow you need Faith." How often do I worry about tomorrow? And yet nothing good can come from that worrying. It only hurts. Us. Our relationship with God. And even our relationships with others at times. As well it can destroy our joy. 

So why do we continue to worry? As I was reading a book, the author gave an interesting answer to this. It is because it makes us feel in control. We convince ourselves that by worrying we can keep from harm and therefore have control. But Jesus continually asks us to give him control and surrender those worries to him. When we trust God, we focus on His kingdom and his abundant resources, but when we live in worry we put ourselves on the throne and live for ourselves. "Seeking the Kingdom first means facing our trials and troubles not with anxiety but with trust that God can and will work through them." Not worrying doesn't mean that we aren't going to have struggles in this life. But rather that we know our Father has us in His hand and will use those things for His glory. When we recognize that our identity is in Christ, and not ourselves, those worries become less important and we are more focused on the truth of the Kingdom.

"How much of our prayer life is spent anxious? Spent trying to figure things out ourselves?" Someone challenged me with this last week. I was challenged to instead just sit with God about the things that make me worry or anxious, not trying to change it. But just sitting with God and knowing that He is in control.  Psalm 46:10

Matt. 6:25-34

Which Covenant are you living under?

About a month or so ago, we had a class on Basic Bible Doctrines. At first I wasn't really looking forward to this class because the title made me think that it was going to be all stuff that I knew and so be boring. Well I think that it was actually my favorite class we have had here. I learned so much through it. In the class, we had an assignment to write a paper on 3 things we learned from the book The Two Covenants by A. Murray. Basically I am just going to share the paper and maybe change or add a few things :)

        Before reading this book, I thought I had a basic understanding of the two Covenants in the bible and a general idea of the difference between them. But through this, I have realized that I had only scratched the surface of all that is in this great work of God. Before reading I had thought that the main importance and difference between the Old Covenant and the New Covenant was that one was based on works and the other was based on God’s work of grace. I knew that the Old Covenant was important, but I didn't fully understand why. The main things that I have really learned are that there is so much difference between the Covenants, that in reality they are nothing alike. As well that obedience is a part of both, it just looks different in how it comes. The final thing is the important truth that it is all a complete work of God and not of my own.
       Though my knowledge of the difference between the Covenants was fairly accurate, it was incomplete as well. One of the major differences is that the Old Covenant is by our works and the New Covenant is through faith that God can do the work in us. There are many truths from the Word that talk about the New Covenant and the freedom that comes from living in it, as opposed to living in the Old Covenant. The Old Covenant is a vital part of the story though. It reveals to us that we are completely unable to live a life of obedience alone and are in great need of God to do it for us. One of the things that stuck out to me in the book was the statement, “true worship of God---a heart and life entirely dependent upon Him,” and how the Old Covenant completely missed this. It was done out of human effort and striving, and did not look to God to do this. Through all of this, I have come to realize that I think I live under the Old Covenant many times. I think I have been living in bondage to the law, working and striving in my own self effort to please God. But I am coming to realize that this only hinders the faith that God can do this for me and is faithful to do it. Another line that stuck out to me was that, “That spirit may be found amidst very great zeal for God's service, and very earnest prayer for His grace; it does not enjoy the rest of faith, and cannot overcome sin, because it does not stand in the liberty with which Christ has made us free, and does not know that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” I felt like it was a clear picture of my life. I want to serve God and I pray for His work in my life, but continue to fall backwards because I am not trusting in the freedom that is found in the New Covenant.
       This leads to the next thing that I have learned from this. Though it may not look the same in the New Covenant, as it does in the Old Covenant, it is still an essential piece to what God is calling us to be. And at the root of why we cannot live a life of obedience in the New Covenant is the unbelief in our hearts. Though the New Covenant is through faith, it is not a substitute for our obedience. Rather our faith ensures our obedience by knowing in our heart the joy and power that come from it, through the Holy Spirit. At the root of our disobedience is the unbelief that God can do it in us and for us. We must surrender our hearts to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to do His work in us, through the power that only comes from Him. One thing that stuck out to me was that obedience is essential, possible, of faith, and a blessing. Many times through my own effort, I try to obey the things that God’s word commands us to do. Sometimes it lasts for a little while, but eventually the striving becomes too much and too difficult and I fail. And I am learning that this obedience is not of my own effort, but rather it is from God. The truth is that we are commanded to obey, but we cannot do it in and of ourselves. We must through faith, walk in this obedience. An example that the book used was that just as the laws of the Old Covenant were written on the stone tablets, making them a lasting document. But through the New Covenant, the Holy Spirit writes the law on our hearts. And after written, we are “unchangeably identified with it.” As the law written on stone was permanent, so is it with our heart, making a life of obedience something desired.
       The other thing that I have really learned from this has been the fact that it is a work of God alone, and not of my own doing. It is by His power that I can obey what He has commanded. The example of the covenant God made with Abraham is a beautiful picture of this to me. Through it God showed that he would not only remain faithful to the covenant, but by doing the work for Abraham in the covenant ceremony, he showed that he would also fulfill Abraham’s part in the covenant. He has secured the obedience needed by being faithful not only for himself, but faithful for us as well. He is unchangeably faithful in his covenant and through the Holy Spirit makes us the same. So often I try to be faithful and do the work of being obedient. But this has shown me that God had already done the work and makes my heart right with him on his own. I need only to believe that he can do it. Through the New Covenant we must look to God alone for strength and teaching, and believe that he is going to provide for our every need in this. I cannot do it on my own. I need to rely on him.
       Through this book and study on the Two Covenants, I have really learned of my utter dependence and need for God alone to do the work of the New Covenant in me. My prayer has become that He would help me to believe what he promises in the New Covenant and to leave my life of striving under the Old Covenant. I know that He alone can do this work and that He is faithful to see it through. I can rest assured that God will change my heart and conform it to be more like Christ through his Holy Spirit. I can rest in the fact that He is the one that brings me to obedience and the joy that can be in that.

Even though I wrote this over a month ago, it continues to challenge me. I share it in hopes that it can encourage and challenge others as well. Sorry it is so long, but as I said before, it was a paper for class.

contentment

Recently God has been changing a lot in my life and flipping my world upside down. I thought I had plans; I tried making plans but He has just been really showing me that He is in control and that He is going to be guiding me in my steps.
"The heart of man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9
For over a year and a half I have been planning to go to Guatemala in the middle of this coming January. But God has been changing those plans. It makes me feel absolutely crazy to think about not going to Guatemala right now because its what I have been working towards for so long now, but I trust that Jesus is leading me and he will take me to Guatemala, it will just be in his timing, not mine. I have so much peace about going home and marrying the man I love. Even though it freaks me out at times because I don't know how to be a wife and this was totally not my plan right now, I know that God's hand is on it and He will use it for His glory. How much greater to be able to go to the place I love with the man I love and work together to serve Jesus and love these kids in the way he has called us. God has truly blessed me by putting Shaun in my life and I am so grateful that we will be able to serve together and have this journey together.
So now with that God has been teaching me contentment as well. "...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." Phil. 4:11 Many times it is really easy for me to wish I was in the next thing already. And then once I have that, I wish for the next thing. Being here in San Juan, TX is not exactly tons of fun. I love my church and the people I have met, but this is just not my favorite place. Yet the Lord has called me here for a time and I shouldn't wish that time away. I want to get the most of it and learn what He has for me here. I don't want to rush it away to do the next thing. I should be living for the now and in today. I want to learn contentment in where I am, no matter what Jesus has me doing for that time.

Am I adequate?

A few weeks ago I was thinking about what it is that I am about to do. As well sometimes it just crosses my mind that I am now considered a "missionary", which feel like huge shoes to fill for my little feet. I interact with seasoned missionaries and its so hard to think that I am getting this title with them. I just don't feel adequate for it in the slightest. And sometimes its so overwhelming that I kinda freak out and begin thinking that I can't do this. It feels like too much, too big a task for me. But one night, a few weeks ago, as I was praying about this and just telling God that I couldn't do it, that it was just too much. But then I heard him whisper in my heart, "I didn't ask you to be adequate, but to be willing." It just reminded me that Jesus isn't going to leave me to do these things alone or even in my own strength. But rather in His strength. In 2 Cor. 12:9 Paul talks about how Christ's power is made perfect in us through our weaknesses. It is in my weaknesses that Christ is most glorified. He will give what we need. Like Isaiah in Isaiah 6:8 we must only have the attitude of "Here I am. Send me!"  That is what I want for my life. I don't want to choose to do things just because I think I will be good at them. Rather I want to go where it is that God leads me and trust that He will give me the strength and the power to do those things. 

Last week I got to watch an old movie about Gladys Aylward (the movie was called the Inn of the Sixth Happiness) who was a missionary in China in the early 1900s. Her story was so encouraging. She was denied by mission organizations because they didn't think she would be good in China. So she worked and saved money to just go alone because she knew God was calling her. She ended up doing great things there and God really used her. I was just so encouraged to hear her story and how God uses the ones the world pretty much considers losers.

1 Cor. 1:26-31

Mexico

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to go with a missionary family across the border into Mexico to celebrate a little church's 9th anniversary with them. As we crossed the border, Colleen and I immediately felt like we were in Guatemala. The roads, the buildings, the people. Everything reminded us of the place that has captured our hearts. We went from the highway to little dirt roads, full of bumps and potholes, and finally arrived at the church. As I looked down this dirt road littered with trash, with little tattered houses and buildings, painted bright and vibrant colors, my heart was at rest. Though most would probably just see the trash and dirt. I saw beauty. I know that these places are filled with tragedy and poverty, but they are also filled with people with beautiful hearts. Maybe its not the "prettiest" place or the safest place. But Jesus was definitely there and at work in the hearts of those people. The people of that culture have just completely taken my heart and I love them so much. They might not have nice things, but they are so filled with joy. Being with them was so refreshing. Speaking Spanish and getting to know these lovely people was a great reminder of what I am working towards. It gets hard sometimes to remember what we are working towards in this school, but that night was a refreshing night that reminded me.
The evening was wonderful. We sang worship songs, prayed, listened to multiple people share, then had a sermon. It was long(and slightly draining trying to remember all my Spanish!) but I loved it. The guitar sounded like it had never been tuned, but it didn't really matter because the people would have been singing off key from it anyways. And though it makes me cringe at times to hear it, I remember that they are joyfully singing to our Savior and He loves it so why should I judge it. Afterwards we then ate a wonderful little meal together. Chicken, rice, tortillas...the usual. :) It was a wonderful time of fellowship and we got to know a few of the people in the church. The pastor's family really stood out to me though. They were just such genuine people and I loved getting to know them. I hope to go back and visit them sometime.
And finally the time came to leave. As we were driving back and returning home, it felt surreal. That we could get in our car and drive for 15 minutes and be in a whole different place. It felt like a different world. Yet the only thing that separates us is a little river and some fences. It just felt so crazy. I'm really grateful for the opportunity to go there and be reminded of what I'm working towards.